Archive for the ‘Dateland’ Category

imageIf you read the blog last year, you may remember that around this time I decided I was gonna try dating again. I shard my half-hearted attempts. Two blind dates, then a crazy guy, then speed dating, you can read more about that here. I didn’t blog about the disastrous semi pseudo quasi sort of almost relationship with the atheist (don’t judge). Then I quietly slunk back into dating retirement where life is peaceful.

So anyway, at the prompting of a recent post I saw on Facebook from someone who’s opinion I trust, Mz Shannyn has decided to try ONLINE DATING. I can’t believe I even typed that. I said I’d never try it. I thought it would feel weird and artificial. Like ordering a man on Ebay.

Hey guess what? That’s exactly what it feels like!!!!! Millions of pictures and constant alerts that someone has looked at your picture and profile. I don’t quite understand the protocol, so I don’t respond to every message.

One guy sent me two complimentary messages and a thumbs up. He was really nice looking, a little older than me and seemed nice, did I mention he was nice looking? I responded to his message. Five minutes later, curious about what the other menu options, widgets, buttons, and tabs were, I clicked favorites. I thought it would send a lil thumbs up, or store his pic in a shopping cart like on Amazon, but NOOOOO. It sent some automatic message to him that said “Did you know you’re my favorite?” YIKES!!!!! I DONT EVEN TALK LIKE THAT!!!!! Then, to my horror, I accidentally clicked some lil star icon, and it sent him ANOTHER message!!!!!! I am mortified. This man probably thinks I’m a love-struck stalker. I never heard back from him.

I talked to one guy on the phone after multiple messaging back and forth. Nice voice, but he talked mostly about himself THE WHOLE TIME, for an hour. I almost fell asleep.

Here are some observations of what I’ve learned after my first week of this experiment:

– When it comes to profile pics most men just seem to just post up any random selfie, 80% of which are in front of a shower curtain in the bathroom.

Some of them look like the following descriptions

– Mr. Dolomite, my future Baby Daddy who looked like a wannabe Dennis Edwards from the Temptations, including the high top conked hair toupee.

– Mr “look at me with my shirt off” regardless of the body attached to that hairy chest.

– Mr. butt naked steroid user, with the six-pack abs. I’m serious, the pic was from the neck, down to almost the nether region of his personal equipment package. I repeat-NAKED!!!!! NEKKID!!!! BIRTHDAY SUITED!!!!!

– Mr. I just got out of prison. No further explanation needed.

– Mr. I look like I like to drive around in the middle of the night in my van with the blacked out windows, and I live in a cabin in the woods with no lights, heat or plumbing.

– Mr. I look just like Eddie Murphy in Bowfinger. Um no thank you.

One guy messaged me that my profile pic was hot. Then continued with “I’m retired so I have plenty of free time to please you.” What?!?!?!?! Really?!?!?!?! Thanks for letting me know.

Here’s something else I’ve observed so far. When filling out their personal description profile, guys will almost always say their height is 6′ or taller, REGARDLESS of the actual truth. 6′ 2″ seems to be the preferred fake height.

Men who take pics with women in the frame don’t quite get it. Who’s the woman, is she his daughter, a co-worker, an ex-wife? Why is she in their profile pic?

Shots with lots of adult children in the pic. Why?!?!? “Hey Shannyn look how many grown kids I’ve got who’ll give us a hard time about dating after divorcing their Mom”

Poorly cropped shots where the other person, usually a woman or a mystery body part is still mostly in the frame.

Grandchildren? Why are they in the pic? Sure they make a man look loving, but sexy and dateable? Not so much, and no, I don’t wanna help you baby sit, while we pretend it’s a date.

Old pics are the worst, one guy posted three pics. The first looked nice. The second was him standing by small a private plane, and the last one was probably the most recent cuz he looked like he could be his OWN 70-year-old daddy.

Cars, with nobody in em, why?????? Kind of a “look what I’ve got kinda thing.”

What I admire about these guys is they keep hope alive. They just go for it. The saying goes, “there’s someone out there in the cosmos for everybody.” These guys just go for it. I wanna be more like that. I need to let the universe know I’m trying to take this seriously.

I’ve made  a solemn vow to myself that I’m trying this thing for at least a month. I’m dragging including you on this journey with me. Maybe the next “Dateland” post will be an awesome success story.

Stay tuned.