Adventures in Dateland

Posted: July 25, 2013 in General Interest

No Detroit Gets Gladiated today-I promise you a new episode next week. Instead of writing another good fantasy story about the fabulous dating encounters of Pope and Associates (PEOPLE WHO AREN’T EVEN REAL) I might add, this week I’m gonna tell you about my REAL LIFE adventures in DATELAND and my first ever speed dating experience.

Yes-I admit it. I signed up for a speed dating event. Here’s why: I’ve been out of the dating orbit for more years than I want to admit and needed help getting started. I decided in April that I wanted to try dating again, but I’m lazy, so I decided to sign up for speed dating. The events were offered by age demographic, so I picked something age appropriate (antique and well preserved). It was in Ann Arbor (cuz i thought it would be easier with strangers). Just to show how uncommitted I was, I forgot to write down the date, save the confirmation email, or write down my password to my new speed dating account lol.

I started coming up with questions to ask on my 6 minute “mini dates”, supposedly I was guaranteed 12 dates in two hours; frankly, it sounded exhausting. Last week I came up with 10 good ones and then promptly lost them (another omen of my obvious lack of interest). But I pushed forward and came up with 10 more. Googling “speed dating questions” and feeling like a nerd.

Here’s the perky reminder text I received on Tuesday night:

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Here’s my desperate text I sent to my good friend and personal cheerleader Jennifer on the morning of the event:20130724-151548.jpg

Here’s her response:

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Everyone needs loyal friends who will promptly get out the pom poms and cheer you on no matter what! Then I called my other good friend Sheila who’s always pleasantly enthusiastic about everything, and always super supportive. I read her my questions, and get more moral support.

All day I plotted and schemed with myself on what I was going to wear – sexy but not slutty, basically something I wouldn’t wear to church or work. Which bra? Minimizer, super uplift, or charmingly propped and perky. Spanx are mandatory.

Here’s the extent of my dating experience in the past year: I had a blind date in June, with one followup date we’ll call him Mr. Bigot. Then I met a much younger man (really a lil cub) two days later, we’ll just call him Mr. a tiny bit crazy. That’s it, not much to talk about, really pretty pathetic. The interesting part is I’m really a hopeless romantic but I’m just so lazy about pursuing romance. Not a very effective combination. My dream would be to come home from work one day ,and there’d be some gorgeous Idris Elba/Denzel Washington looking guy sitting on my couch holding a sign that read “God sent me”. He immediately worships me, then we get married and life’s fabulous.

OK so I get home from work, get all dolled up, jump in the car and drive a 100 miles an hour to Ann Arbor, hoping for a 6:40pm arrival. At 6:50 the phone rings, its the speed dating coordinator (who sounds 12 years old) calling to see if I’m coming. I let her know I’m 10 minutes away and will be there soon.

I barrel down Main St. and WHAT!!!!!!?????!!!! EVERYONE ON THE PLANET IS IN ANN ARBOR!!!!!!!! The streets are jammed, the sidewalks are crowded, folks are spilling out of stores and restaurants. There are literally no parking spaces anywhere. To add to the assault on my plans, there’s also a film crew with the prerequisite 15 semi trucks, multiple street blockage, and tons of people wearing cargo pants holding clipboards, running back and forth. I’m starting to get sweaty. I frantically circle the block 5 times, pull up to two parking structures that suddenly flash FULL signs. Now it’s 7:20 and I’m too embarrassed to go in. I call lil dating coordinator girl and tell her there’s no place to park, and to go ahead and start without me. I DO NOT CARE WHAT SHE THINKS OF ME, she gets to keep my $30 payment. I REPEAT-I DO NOT CARE! 

SCREECH, STOP, DOUBLE-TAKE: No, I didn’t even go in. NO NO NO. Full confession, I was secretly kinda relieved. The whole process sounded just a bit creepy, artificial, and like a loser’s convention. OK I admit, maybe I care a little bit, standing in the corner, facing the wall, with a bag over my head.

On the ride home I call Jennifer and confess that I’m a speed dating drop out. She gets out the pom poms, and quickly gives me a consolation cheer about how it was probably not meant to be and I’m still fabulous, karma and the universe still love me, blah blah blah. That was extremely affirming and hilarious cuz she’s always on team Shannyn, no matter what I’ve gotten myself into.

In the meantime, I’ll just continue to be a fan of romance, without actually being a participant. We’ll have to see what the universe and the folks in heaven have planned. In the mean time, I’m gonna keep hope alive.

New Detroit Gets Gladiated next Thursday, I PROMISE.

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Comments
  1. zoerabbit says:

    That sounds exactly what would happen to me! I’ll admit it…I’m a chicken when it comes to all things dating!

    Like

  2. Paulette Brown says:

    I was totally excited, sitting on the edge of my seat, living vicariously through you! Ok, I’m bummed. I hope you’ll try it again. Thanks for sharing your truth with us!

    Like

  3. Naomi says:

    Shannyn, what a nice blog! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your candor, and your down to earth-ness. Yes, please do keep hope alive. The universe really DOES have good plans for you. (Sorry I missed this yesterday)

    Like

  4. resurgee says:

    Late reply. Sorry. HOWEVER I JUST FOUND THAT ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAD A BLOG AND I JUST NOW FOUND OUT!!!! Ok. I’m calm now. Anyway. I get the laziness. Me too. That and the fact that age-appropriate men for are … old.

    Like

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